My Road
Cody is a friend, current teammate with the Carleton Ravens, and ex-OHL player with the Niagara Ice Dogs and Kingston Frontenacs from Sault Ste. Marie, ON.
He agreed to share his story of how he coped with an extremely difficult start to his university career in hopes that others can learn from it. His mental toughness through the process is something that I admire greatly. - MJ
Going from the life of a junior hockey player to making the transition to becoming a full-time student is no easy task. You go from your biggest worry being playing three games in two and a half days to having 3 papers due in the same week, studying for a midterm, all on top of practice and mandatory workouts in the mornings. My biggest fear coming to Carleton this past year was not only being able to balance hockey and school, but just handling school in general. Since I was little, hockey has always been “my life” to a certain extent, and this was the year my life got thrown for a loop and hockey was taken from me for a year. This is my road.
After playing in my final junior playoff game, siting in an emotional dressing room with my teammates, it all came to reality. A big decision was going to have to be made, do I go to school or try to play pro hockey somewhere, hoping it works out?
That summer it all started. I kept on my usual summer routine, just trying to get ready for the upcoming season… wherever I ended up playing. After multiple conversations with older guys I knew that took the school route, I made the choice to come to Carleton and put my education package to use. This was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make, fully knowing school just really was never my thing.
That summer in Sault Ste. Marie (home) got cut short after making the decision to come to Ottawa early to try to get settled in for what I was expecting to be one of the craziest years and transitions I’d ever faced. After finally getting somewhat settled in to the big city, I received a phone call telling me I had another opportunity with the Chicago Blackhawks organization - they invited me to the NHL’s rookie tournament in Traverse City, Michigan. My mind immediately switched back to: “I have a shot to do something special here and not have to go to school”. My summer workouts ramped up with feelings of excitement and anxiousness, knowing I better be ready for this and the days are closing in.
With a week before the date to fly out for Chicago, and with classes for university just about to start up, my life changed in a split second.
I was in the Varsity gym at Carleton and feeling really good about my workout that day, thinking maybe I should go a bit heavier, and a bit heavier. The weight kept getting piled onto the trap bar (for deadlifts) and I was down to my one rep max… as much weight as I could possibly do, one time. It came to be my turn and I thought, “I can get this weight up”. Within a split second of the weight coming off the ground, I heard a loud pop in my back and I immediately went down. The first instinct from most people would be, “shit, that must’ve hurt?”. But no. I couldn’t think about pain. The only place my mind went to was hockey, knowing that if something seriously is wrong, my chance in Chicago will disappear.
I sat there for bit, still only thinking that I can’t believe that just happened. I slowly made my way down to our (Carleton) dressing room, still not wanting to believe I just did that. After 30 minutes sitting in my stall, the adrenaline subsided, and the extreme pain kicked in. I still didn’t want to believe something could be wrong and didn’t want to go to the doctor to find out. It took a teammate to drag me over to see Doc, as I was being stubborn as hell. The doctor didn’t know what could be wrong without getting an MRI, so the next few days I waited for what would be the fate of my upcoming hockey season. I’ll fast forward a bit through the days of not being able to move too well and to the day I got the news that the MRI came back, and the doctor would like to speak to me. Going into her office, I had a positive mindset that it would get better and that I’d just tweaked something… was I ever extremely wrong.
The expression on the doctor’s face when she looked at me… I just knew something was not right.
It’s like time completely slowed down and I was watching the words come from Doc’s mouth, explaining that I completely herniated my l4 disc in my lower back with little pieces of it pressing on my nerves running down my leg. As these words processed in my head it felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest at that point. Chicago was no longer an option, my season was over before it even started, and everything that comes with being a hockey player felt like it was gone. I sat there for a little bit longer, saying “why did I do that?” over and over again in my head, wishing I could just go back and change the outcome. Over the next couple hours, I tried to let the important people in my life know that I would not be playing hockey this year, and most likely would need back surgery to fix the problem.
The biggest, most important part of the comeback I had to make over this past season was to try to stay positive throughout the process. This was by far the hardest thing to do - the sport I love is gone. Let alone starting university when you can’t sit for longer than 20 minutes without bad back pain. On top of that, I had no clue what the prof was even talking about half the time. Everything was piling up quick in life and I had no escape to just hit the ice and play. Every hockey player knows when they are on the ice nothing else matters. You have no worries or stress for the next couple hours… and I didn’t have that outlet any more. I couldn’t workout and lift weights to relieve stress, I felt like I had nothing. As hockey players, I find we always want to hold emotion in when it comes to dealing with different issues and matters in life. Keeping a “level head” is important when playing a high-pace game filled with emotional traps, after all. This turned out to be my biggest downfall through this situation.
There would be times over the next couple of months that I didn’t want to get out of bed. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and had nothing to run to. I thought I was too “tough” to talk about what I was going through with anyone else and would keep it all in, all to myself. I felt like I had nothing to work towards with such a long recovery schedule, and my back getting slightly better, then it would get worse. It was a roller coaster. The one little thing that did get my head straight for a couple hours a day was to be at the rink with the guys. I wouldn’t do much, but I would sit in the room and just joke around with the team and coaches. All the boys would always ask me, “Carsy, what are you doing here?” “If you don’t have to be here every day, why would you be?”. “Shouldn’t you be resting?”. But little did they know that they were pretty much the only thing holding me together. Being a part of something in a time like that was the only thing I was holding on to, and it’s because of them, along with my family that I’m sitting here today writing my story, making a full recovery, getting ready for the upcoming season.
People who are not part of a team just can’t understand how much of a bond you come to have with every single person in the room. You may not be best friends with every guy in there, but when it comes down to it, I would fight for each and every one of them. Without even knowing what I was really going through, every guy in that locker room put a smile on my face for just a couple minutes a day and it meant the world. If it wasn't for you guys (my team) I could honestly say that I would be back home, not recovering properly, and the dream of playing the game I love would be over. So thank you guys, for making me stronger than I was before.
I really want athletes (and just people in general) to know that it’s okay to talk about what you are going through. If it’s sports related, school related or just anything overall. I spent months feeling ways I never want to feel again all because I was stubborn and “tough” and wanted to hold all my emotion inside… thinking I can’t or shouldn’t talk to anyone. This has been the craziest year of my life that has changed the man I am today. It actually might be the biggest blessing in disguise that I will ever go through.
Year two at Carleton, I can’t wait what you have in store for me because whatever it is I’m going to crush it! #comebackSZN
Thank you to all my teammates, my family, coaches, trainers, and doctors for helping me on my road to recovery - both physically and mentally.
